Imam Steve Carell vs. Reverend Stephen Colbert
Tonight’s topic: Islam vs. Christianity – Which is Right?
Reverend Stephen Colbert: Christianity.
Carell: Islaaaaam!!!! There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his Prophet! Stephen?
Colbert: Steve, this debate is about religion, let’s discuss it rationally, now…think about it, if you were God would you manifest your divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi Arabia in the seventh century? Or as the son of a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero? C’mon, use your mind.
Carell: Stephen, what part of “there is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his Prophet” don’t you understand? Look. Let’s assume for the sake of argument that your God is the one true God. That would mean Allah is not the one true God. Which we know he is. Don’t you see your logic eats itself!
Colbert: First off, it’s not my logic, Steve, it’s God’s logic as written in the Bible, every word of which is true. And we know every word is true because the Bible says that the Bible is true, and, if you remember from earlier in this sentence: every word of the Bible is true. Now, are you following me here, or are you some kind of mindless zealot?
Carell: Alright, there are two ways of settling this. The one that I was thinking of – a pray off. You pray to your…god. And I will pray to mine, and we will see which one of us gets smited.
Colbert: Great, let’s do it.
Carell: Is your God ready?
Colbert: My God was born ready…er, not so much born as begot-not-made-one-being-with-the-father ready.
Both: On your mark, get set…pray!
(Both pray. Revered Colbert drags his finger across his neck, “slitting” as he points to Imam Carell)
Carell: No no n-n-n-no. I’m done, too, and I appear to be unsmoted.
Carell: Hmm. Interesting. And I’m going to be doing that after I go to Paradise to join my bevy of spotless virgins for all eternity. You know, I just want to give them a heads up where I’m going for eternity.
Jon Stewart: Guys, I’m sorry, I’m starting to think that this religion thing we’re not going to settle in three minutes, so if you can just wrap it up and find some common ground…that would be great.
Carell: Maybe the Jew’s right.
Colbert: Yeah, maybe so, which is funny ’cause I normally don’t care for Jews.
Carell: We don’t either.
Carell: We seem to find them kind of…scheming.
Colbert: We’re very big on that too.
Carell: We’re not so different after all.
(Both laugh maniacally)